a 20 year old and her bisexuality

Good day, everyone! I’ve been talking about bisexuality a lot here recently, so I thought I would do a quick master-post about my experiences and thoughts. Please keep in mind, these are my views only. I know a lot of people have thoughts about the definition of bisexuality in particular – this is just my two cents.

How did you know?

I think I’m one of the lucky ones, because I’ve kind-of always known. When I was younger, I honestly thought that everyone was attracted to all genders. Monosexuality is still a little bit of a strange concept to me, because I can’t imagine only being attracted to people of a different gender definition to me. It just isn’t how I experience the world! I don’t remember when I stumbled across the word bisexual, but as soon as I saw it I knew that it described me.

How do you define bisexuality? 

Bisexuality: romantic or sexual attraction to people of any sex or gender identity.

If you use that definition, why don’t you identify as pansexual? 

Honestly? Bisexuality is more well-known. I can identify to a straight person and I don’t have to go into a huge explanation of who exactly I’m attracted to. I know that sounds lazy, but I honestly don’t think I have the energy to be constantly explaining myself, and sharing relatively personal details with people I’ve just met.

I totally agree that the traditional definition of bisexuality (attracted to men and women) is transphobic, and reinforces the gender binary. That’s why I use the definition above.

So you’re like 50% attracted to people who identify with a similar gender to you, and 50% to people who identify with a different gender to you? 

Nope! Some bisexual people are, but I’m not. For me, it is more of a sliding scale (for example, check out the Kinsey scale). It usually depends on who I’m dating at the time. When I’m dating a woman, I tend to be more interested in and attracted to women. When I’m dating a man, the same. (I have never dated someone who identifies outside of the gender binary, so that I can’t comment on.) So right now, I’d say I’m 70% to people of a different gender identity, and 30% to people of a similar gender identity. Interesting, right?!

So you’re into threesomes, right? 

None of your business.

Ok, but you’re still promiscuous, right? 

Still none of your business.

When are you going to ‘choose’? 

If you mean, when are you going to settle down with one partner for the rest of your life – I don’t know! I am very happy with my boyfriend at the moment, but I’m only 20.

If you mean, when are you going to choose to be straight or a lesbian – hahahaha. Fuck off. No matter who I am dating, I am still bi.

Don’t bisexuals have it easier than other queer people, because they can ‘pass’ as straight? 

I honestly don’t think so. Yes, when I am dating men, I can pass as straight. I’ll admit, after dating a woman, it is slightly strange for me to not have to come out every time I buy a Valentine’s card, or we hold hands in public. I have had the experience of being afraid to show affection to my partner in public, in case someone decides to comment or take offence. I think that means so much more than occasionally ‘passing’ as straight. (Also, bisexual people get this question from straight and LGBT+ people. Even though some of us identify as queer, that doesn’t necessarily mean we get accepted in the queer community. Biphobia, y’all. It sucks.)

However, I also think that the much bigger problem is that women who are currently dating men are automatically assumed to be straight. Especially women who are quite feminine, as I am. That’s an assumption that I’m trying to smash, one person at a time.

If you have any questions for me, please don’t hesitate to ask! There’s no such thing as a stupid question, and I’m always happy to educate about bisexuality.


35 thoughts on “a 20 year old and her bisexuality

  1. Bina says:

    Thanks so much for sharing, Wendy! Loved hearing about your experiences and I can only imagine how awful and typical these questions must be. And so sad that lack of support happens in the community as well. Also, the A especially for aro is ignored so often, I don’t much feel part of the community. And explaining over and over is so exhausting! When I say I’m not romantic, ppl assume it means I don’t require candlelight and stuff😂🙈
    Hmmh question I guess I’m wondering if you feel differently attracted to gender identities on the sexual/romantic spectrum? Not that you have to answer or answer publicly!


    1. whatthelog says:

      I’m glad you found it interesting 🙂 I imagine less understood sexualities get a lot of the same questions, or at least the same experience of answering sometimes ridiculous questions. And OMG whyyyyyyyy do people do that!!

      No, that is a fascinating question – I should have thought to put that in the main blog post! For quite a while I thought I was biromantic rather than bisexual – romantically inclined towards people of a similar gender identity, but sexually attracted to people of a different gender identity. But now I think it has more to do with who I’m dating. So, like the sexual attraction being more towards people with a different identity at the moment because I’m dating my boyfriend, I think it is the same with romantic attraction. Interesting, right?!


  2. Maxine @ The Rogue Storyteller says:

    I love that you made a post about this and also the format you took with it! I’ve never come across someone else who grew up thinking that everyone was attracted to everyone. I always feel silly saying that I identified as straight until I was sixteen because I thought everyone was attracted to all genders and you just identified as straight or gay depending on which one you leaned more towards. Lack of sexuality education is fab *rolls eyes*
    Anyway, thank you for making this post. It’s important to make our voices heard x


    1. whatthelog says:

      Thanks – this is the real reason why I think talking about bisexuality is important. I lived in Bermuda, which is very conservative. When I asked about same-sex relationships, I was told ‘people don’t do that’. It was really only when I was 18 and went to university in the UK that I realised that being bi was a real option.
      Thanks for dropping bi! (omg I’m so sorry)

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Grab the Lapels says:

    I was friends with two bisexual girls in high school, and everyone seemed to think they would be lovey/friendly with everyone, even in a non-sexual way…almost like a stereotype of hippies (“feel the love, man!”). Do you ever get that?


    1. whatthelog says:

      Not in a non-sexual way, if I’m honest. It’s more that when I come out to people, they assume I’m going to find them attractive. Some people do think that I’ll be friends with every LGBT+ person I meet, though.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Grab the Lapels says:

        That sounds frustrating. Also, for as low as people’s self-esteem can be sometimes, it’s sure high when they meet someone of the same sex on the LGBT spectrum! They assume you’ll find them attractive… *smh* at those people.


  4. Elliot McIntosh says:

    Thanks for sharing! Always good to see people wanting to knock some of the misconceptions people have about Bisexuals. I’ve also just started a blog to document myself as a recently open Bisexual, would be interested to hear your thoughts. 🙂


  5. A digital Journal says:

    As a bisexual person myself i really like your content find your blog very helpful. But i have never dated anyone yet since i am only 18 (late bloomer, i know lol). How did your your partners, boyfriends and girlfriends react when they knew you were Bi? Where they okay with it ? or did they thought you might cheat on them? I am scared how my future partner/s would react getting to know my bisexuality.


    1. whatthelog says:

      Oh good, I’m so glad. 🙂 And don’t worry, I didn’t start dating anyone until I was 18! There’s no need to rush into these things xx
      My girlfriend was bi as well, so that wasn’t an issue at all. I came out to my current boyfriend very early on – this was probably on our second date. It didn’t bother him one bit. My advice to you would be to come out to them early. You don’t want to waste time on someone who is going to react badly. That, and if someone does react badly, please try not to take it personally. They’re the bigot – there is nothing wrong with you ❤
      If you have any more questions, please ask! I'm always here to help you ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  6. charlsummers says:


    Loved your post, covered some amazing points. Being bisexual myself, I’ve had the same questions ask. Even the threesome… like really?

    Anyway! Great post, I’m developing a post on bisexuality tomorrow, hopefully I can reach the standard you’ve achieve!


  7. Ari says:

    As a bi person, I really like this post. The one thing I would note is that I personally define bisexuality as attraction to the same gender as well as different genders. This makes more sense to me because it fits in with the “bi” part (with two groups of genders rather than two genders), even though it effectively means the same thing as your definition. Every bi person should be free to define it their way, though.


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